Greedy Dreams

So now you get a feeling of what I went through the last two years.August 6th I returned to Anjuna to full stress, your negativity that Icouldn't change, I'm sorry! The last 18 months I’ve been going throughgrief, depression. Why? Who really knows maybe it is all my fault! Why?My heart slowly died waiting for something, a smile, a jest. But there wasabsolutely no response from someone I loved and trusted. The full onbetrayal, rejection, denial! The no response from the muse who said,‘in retrospect it was the best time of my life’ but still had to destroy it ~‘A Fuck you!’ to my memory in order to continue in her new Egocentric-desire reflecting only her own happiness; where’s Love consciousness?It was you who destroyed it and us and was the catalyst for a cruel, verypainful journey for me into an emotional * spiritual dark abyss. Yes ‘It isat it is’ as you are finding out! How easy are those words but how difficultwhen it is You who has to come out of the despair of loss & nothingness.I never had any sexual relationship since; I lost the desire! Yes it takestime to come back and each one is different but as you see it's not soeasy to play games with the mind. To feel like you don't exist ~ thoughthat love of your life, who promised you Paradise and bliss with her eyesand body is sitting next to you in grim silence! But she has her heart onanother vision ~ You don’t fit into that dream and she’s Unconscious…‘Welcome to Reality’ A torture to find that someone can lie, manoeuvrebehind your back without a word or honest hint to give the Love properclosure. It’s selfish and each one has the right to do what we want andlet’s all escape in that fluffy fairy dust tale; But it’s very dangerous if youlose the balance of your awareness & get lost in infatuation. You playedyour game it was real, but I cannot allow that light worker to upset it so Iwon’t see him for 5 months, I’ll only enjoy what gives me pleasure. Until itfucks up ~ after somehow fucking everyone off who loved you and cared.Some might call it a type of Borderline personality disorder ~ egotistical,extreme feeling of highs & lows with a lack of any remorse or empathy :)A fearful questioning of one’s own self Identity, I don’t know! And it’s notto blame anyone but to become Conscious, we’re all seeking the truth ofwho we are but Please be kind! Then lost in Space the one she comesback to for help is the one who she helped put into deep misery but whosomehow still holds up a light! Of course he would do everything to saveher from going through the same Hellish ordeal even though there is realwisdom found in such suffering & this was the destiny put in front of him!How could anyone be unsympathetic to their beloved when they’re hurt?But it would be easier and more sane to say, ‘It is as it is’ and yes to burnall memories & hopes or future expectations just as had happened to me‘I have no one, I am lost, I do not know what to do, I have no friends ~my life is destroyed.’ How would you respond? Did you even thinkto ask me how I felt whilst I was drowning alone ~ my heart brokenas a consequence of my extreme passionate attachment with you?So you will have to suffer I am sorry and it’s better to forget me andI forget you as you are not ready for communication or for giving meanything it’s only about what you want. And you have that right butwhen another loves you there is a conscious respect; to not get whatyou want by destroying another as you say but you will find this outyourself and see what it is to have a broken heart and to reflect onthe truth either spiritually, astrologically, humanly or whatever it is ~I had so much compassion that I came back to help you and give youmy light. Yet you still don’t know, it’s not about just taking the fruit andnot watering the tree. What about me the one who gave you love whoyou say you loved & you did! You are so afraid and guilty and negative& hurt and I feel all of that pain but I cannot be used and abused againso I want to let you go in peace while you are now around peoplewho care for you ~ Try to understand & make a new life direction ☺You are a super Goddess, You were my Angel of delight, my Soul matemy Sexy muse, you’re very smart, true and creative and loyal; you needto believe in yourself. I thank you for all the Amazingly, Wonderful timeswe shared in love. I hope you recover but as it is without understanding I/we cannot move forward into a new dimension of light*life while holdingonto all the negativities we still have!