Conscious ~ Honesty & Respect of Love/r

From the start of this letter I want you to keep in mind everything I didfor you. You most probably wouldn’t have the life you have now in Goahappy with your children if it wasn’t for me. I don’t say this to make youguilty but to make you remember that I was always there for you yetyou ended up treating me in the worst way possible by leaving me forsomeone else and not even telling me for over several months whilstI thought I was giving you Space to realise what we had as you knewit to be true. Yet you dumped me, you betrayed me, our sacred trust,you lied, were deceitful and your anger and selfish ego allowed arelationship to develop behind my back. You will never admit this,so far you have denied the truth of this and given me some simple,stupid reasoning why it happened. You treated me as an Idiot(action)because you had lost all respect and honesty. I gave you this freeSpace to express yourself, yet you still played this Negative game.I allowed you to speak to me, to behave with me in such a horribleway, to see who you were & what you understood,what you were conscious of and cared for!(Asking me to leave you at 11pm each night with the relationshipwe’d had was such a f.... horrible emotional experience for me butI put up with it not wanting to piss you off & cause you to react insuch dismissive ways! The scenes by S. valley beach were the mostterrible abuse for treating me as a real Nobody because you selectedlyhad changed your ‘lifestyle’ and in your letter you have no memoriesof any of this it seems and when you asked me to come round for asmoke because ‘You had nothing to smoke!’ That’s a Mental haze!What the fuck, are you conscious of any of this and how it’s affectedme, a Lover in your life!? You can see this also as a Control patternto get your own way depending who the person is in the dynamic andI also allowed this to try and hold onto you & what we meant together.I put myself in this same sad situation when you left me, trying tohold you somehow, not wanting to lose you but as you’ve admittedthis abuse has happened so why pretend it was all Roses. I’m nowReleasing myself from the promise I made to myself to always bethere for you as a Light worker because you’re still unaware of mysuffering which came out of being in love with you and you sayingthe same to me. This allows me to also let you go on that level & sobe free in my life accepting the Reality that you chose a ‘new lifestyle’You can blame me and say it was my ‘detachment’ with your childrentoo but that’s something I tried to explain the day you walked into mylife. I did my best & never lied but you cut me out of that too. This isnot to blame you but to inform you of Consequences to someone yousay in your last letter meant so much to you but in reality aren’t theyjust lovely words and you have no other understanding? You said Ihelped you find what you were looking for in Life for it to be completebut it was totally dishonest. You say you needed me or you would havefallen apart but where was the empathy for me; only complete denial!?What effect do you think that might have on me, is this the way yourespond to your ~ ‘Light worker?’ It’s taking the piss, can I accept youcouldn’t do anything else? I forgive you but I want you to realise this!You want me to make a copy of your book which was the highlightof the magical expression of our love whilst you have treated me, thisperson who always was there for you, who always wanted to carry onthis love with you, in the most despicable way. Obviously this patternof behaviour you understood as ‘normal reactions!’ How did I continuewith it, this negativity, anger, emotional abuse & aggression? I have seenit all before and I can understand it! You ultimately have the right to dowhat you want but we had a relationship of deep trust that normallyis to be treated carefully or there is deep pain and suffering.Basic stuff but you didn’t care at all because you were overcomeby only ~ what you wanted. You cared nothing for me &yet were happy to enjoy my energy when it suited you!~I went through a Nightmare to continue to keep this connection of ustogether & that is fine but you still have no appreciation of your actions.I am writing this letter because I cannot continue holding up the lightwhen you still won’t recognize your duplicitous behavior to me.Now I have finally received the clearer picture of what happenedeven if you can’t see or admit it. How your subconscious’ Karma &desires were affecting your behavior. How your insecure mind wasmadly ‘scheming to get what you wanted without any thought for me!’Why me? Because I was still in your life as a person who deservedsome truth & respect. Don’t put me in a pattern of those othersclose to you, who have wronged you and whom you despise!You changed completely in December since you went to workand spent all your time ~ with a man who you already knew welland by then you had basically denied me/us in your life, you hadyour own agenda going on and I didn’t fit into it because you allowedyourself to disconnect from me for your own reasons. I saw you oncea week and you didn’t seem to realise what was happening to us, atleast so I thought. You kept saying you were too tired and busy withschool and kids; I believed you and gave you that trusting Space ~~Yes now I understand why you had all these bad moods with me forno apparent reason but you kept your Feelings Secret from me andallowed me to continue to believe in our relationship and to go throughanother two months believing in you/us, in our truth and respect ~ butyou had already broken that sacred bond. You said I’m maybe the onewho understands you best! Yes I do I see your highs & lows. You sayI care when you sent me your messages to your sister. Yes I do; butnow I experienced the negative energy that you have, I never saw thatone coming at all Baby! I always held the Spiritual light up for you/us,Love Consciousness of ecstatic states & their changing ~ When theLover is dumped at that depth in such a way it’s a long journey backto Heal a Heart & Spirit! By expressing this I can heal this ‘poisoning’in my heart, from this Disbelief that someone who I loved, who knewhow much I felt for them could behave in such a selfish, cruel, arrogant& ignorant way! You even seemed to enjoy it when I finally found out‘that you were involved with someone’ ~ you got a thrill seeing me indespair and pain, you wanted to hurt me for some reason as a signof your own powerful, egoist-Self. This is another common patternand you behaved in such a low way yet in your delusion you sayyou were always thinking of me!~How could you have been, how is it possible? It was all so easy for you!I tell you with no malice but great disappointment & sadness that sucha beautiful love relationship could degenerate into such nasty bullshit.You do not realise what you/we had, to destroy it in that way.I don’t let lovers in my life go easy but I am releasing myself fromthe bonds we have ~ I can’t pretend by sending you a copy of thisbook that you are the same person. Why do you even ask me for it?Do you have no sense of insulting my feelings again? Are you sonaive, so self- centred, so blind, thinking that you can throw anythingat me and as I’m open hearted and trying to practice Love that I willput up with it all! Is this how you respond to my feelings of Love byabusing them? See what reactions develop what satisfaction you get!I cannot pretend this is cool, it is a full dishonour of what we hadbecause you destroyed that/us/me in such a bad way and becauseyou won’t admit it or take responsibility for your actions; Who cares!It took me this long to realise some of your behavioural patterns!As I say, I was the person who stood by you I gave you all my Love ~I always told you that yet you’ve purposely killed it and left me terriblemental-emotions to deal with that you were fully Unconscious of or not!Why do that to me the one who was always there for you? You say thatyou don’t know how I feel that’s because you didn’t give a fuck abouthow I feel, you switched it off! That one night you saw me at the barwith a girl I know how much of a shock that was even though you’dkept saying it was over and yet it never was! You know how painfulthat was, you had those feelings, you are not so insensitive! So try& imagine if you will how it was for me but 100 times more painfulbecause your affair went on behind my back for over two months!You just said, “I would have broken you if you hadn’t got me back”I saw your pain then and I would never do that because I felt the paintoo and I knew what the consequences would be for you if I left you!I couldn’t do it anyway because I loved you. You saw, witnessed alsoyour friend going crazy with her breakup did you Not realise that I wasDevastated too; would it have made any difference to your disdain?From December it was certainly happening even if you won’t admit it!It was never right then (Xmas & New Year’s Eve!!!) and that’s why inJanuary, Intuitively I had to make my ‘cry from the heart’ to seriouslyask you what was happening by walking away & giving you time toRealise * ‘If you don’t give the flower water it will wither and die ~’A simple truth!~Normally we might have come back together I hoped to but becauseof this other relationship happening it was such an easy way out foryou to walk away with no responsibility, remorse, pain or Awarenessand stay away for over two months without a word to me by way ofexplanation and thinking, ‘Fuck him then!’ You say you thought I haddumped you that is absolute bullshit you made no effort, never werereally interested to even ask me what was happening even though itwas clear as you’d chosen to go already! Easy for you to do in thisextreme and so Selfish. You dumped me in such a horrible way, it’snever nice and was not helped in any way by you in fact the oppositelike treating me as if I never existed! Did I really mean so little to youeven though you keep saying I did so much to Open you and I knowthat I did! It seems you can’t accept that truth and so come up withsimplified versions of events and so I tried to work with that reality!Why bother? Because such experiences together mean something!You say, ‘go with the flow’ that’s fine too but treat people properlynot like shit! Why do that anyway to a caring person such as me ~in your life, what did I do to hurt you so much, to bring such angerinto your heart? OK it was tough but not to end it behind my back;avoiding me like that, we live in the same village with same friends!I can’t go on pretending this never happened it is too painful for Meand I have to make this clear because you are in denial and don’treally give a fuck because you’ve moved on to the next better thingand ‘It is as it is!’ ~ It’s impossible that you are Unconscious aboutthis even though you behave like nothing really happened, it’s nota big deal! Well Dearest you need to have More * empathy in thisworld of human relationships! OK you can say ‘well fuck him andforget it’ that’s the easy way. It doesn’t alleviate the pain I’ve hadbecause of your deception, unfaithfulness, betrayal, rejections overthat time but it helps me to finally make it clear to you my darling andallow this truth to heal my heart! A friend finally told me when I askedabout you; “She’s involved with someone else, didn’t you know?”~Remember I am not blaming you I am sharing an expression of theexperience I had with you. As you did I am giving it closure! You maybe unaware of these things when in stress and anger, not satisfiedwith your expectations, needs, until you get it fulfilled; ‘Whatever thesituation, where is the appearance of Love’ looking for someone else.It’s all Our own Ego trip, human reaction, our emotional, impulsive ~instinctive drive. When getting what you need you are wonderful likeall of us and Being aware of this! When depressed, someone criticizesyou there is an immediate negative reaction ~ self-defensive which is aPower trip to Control the situation & have the will to say, ‘fuck you then!’to those who love you but ‘criticised you’. It seems I have to try to acceptthis crazy situation or lose you ~ even though later there may be regrets!Relationship patterns! It made me scared to be so candid for Fear oflosing what I most wanted to keep, You! You were my beautiful muse,my Lover, my Smiling, creative spirit geisha. Shit appears to happen,conditioned like this all the time you might think from seeing others ~these doubtful projections seem to be the way these relationships end!~But it isn’t like that for me, in the world that I live in, the world thatyou say you understood, loved & was truly inspired by. There’s fullforgiveness and understanding but saying such things to my face as,“I wouldn’t have asked you here if I didn’t need a smoke.” Ego-reaction,resentment; Rejecting everything is tough even for me from the lips ofsuch a love! I say this with true feeling not to fuck you up but to sharethese feelings that I’ve been going through for a long time now. As yousay I gave you your freedom to live again! I wouldn’t have done it inthat way if I’d known the truth of what had been happening. I did giveyou Space to think about us out of my deepest love but I didn’t realizehow I would be repaid! Your feelings were dreaming somewhere else!You never said what was going on even when you were confused,distraught; Secrets you chose not to reveal nor to be honest with me& there are Consequences in this Real world of human, Love feelings!Completely denying my existence as if we hadn’t any Heart between us,fully rejecting me down on the beach! You’ve forgotten this ignorancefor someone who shared such an Amazing love relationship with you?Is there any respect for me, for the Love poems that you wrote inthis beautiful book for me and from your truly knowing that there areonly a very few people in your life who have always been there ~ somuch for you? If you can throw that/me in the rubbish in such a wayand then carry on in life like that, then don’t pretend in higher ideals,it’s egotistic bullshit, just what You want and I’m sure you can see aprior pattern. If you want to communicate in the future in some waythen as your first words to me were ~ ‘with Respect and honesty.’Where was it? This dream you have of being in Spirit, being trulyConscious depends on our honest, unselfish actions not just oneasy words, excuses & emotional Reactions done to get Control.‘Untruths’ happened so I can’t continue to give you this higher energy ~inspiration as if nothing ever happened because I/we are frightened toacknowledge what really went on, this nasty ending of our relationship,our open intimacy in our being together as One & carry on pretendingit’s all fine because of memories ~ that once existed in these beautifulwords of the Goddess, of true love alive in feelings deep in y/our heart.What went so so wrong to change that? It changed for you and it wasnever the same since I had to leave but especially since my return tobe with you in August. You never gave me/us a chance. You were ina big stress, running away from me all the time. I found reasons whyand I did everything to hold our Love up but it did nothing for you andit finally made me so unhappy too. Yet you said you loved me, thatyou always were thinking of me that it was too painfulyet you did nothing to bring that love back! Why?~I try to be a Light worker. I am someone who you will always Lovebecause I gave you back meaning in your life and Opened up andfreed your heart to love. You keep saying this but in practice you didNothing to keep it alive only continuing in Fears, doubt & negativity.Yet I carried on with the belief that you would come back to me ~How could you give up such an Amazing Connection like we had?But you did & you just kept on with the empty words and I carriedon hoping your love feelings were still there. Now is a new journey,think about it, look in the mirror and realise your behaviour and ofyour actions on someone who had very deep love & trust feelings*energy bonding with you & Psyche * emotional * causes * effects.Messages of a Light worker aren’t just nice words > Consequences*‘It is as it is’ ~ Love Is Consciousness